I’m one of those people who craves routine but seem to be incapable of maintaining it beyond a certain point. Every morning I’d like to eat the “exact same thing: 2 boiled eggs mashed up, with two pieces of wheat toast and a side of sour cream w/salt and pepper in it and coffee. …Or tea. Sometimes it goes that way for a while, then one day I just break out and do something else and my routine becomes a thing of the past again until I realize I need it back!
You learn pretty quick once you make the decision and commit to the artist hustle (or self-employment in general), that you not only have to maintain a certain level of focus in regard to your productivity from a business stand point, but you have to keep your mind conditioned and programmed to believe. The year 2000 was when I really set out to “figure it out”. I had graduated from college two years earlier and six prior to that, had walked away from the slow death I was dying at Oppenheimer Funds and was “bare backin it” to see if I could begin the process of figuring out how to survive, hustle, live and eventually THRIVE as a working artist. At the time I wrote more than I do now, but it has always been one of the mediums of choice to “work my stuff out”.
Things were going well. Everything was flowing. By no means was I making tons of money or even what equivalent to Oppenheimer Funds, but I felt like the powers that be were working for me and that we’d definitely established this “understanding”and found a “rhythm”. …And I was surviving. Barely! …But surviving off my own merit and at the time, that was a huge step. I was learning a lot about myself, my level of faith, the laws of give and take…you name it. One day I wrote this little poem about how grateful I was to The Most High for what he’d given me, not just in terms of the basics like food, clothing, shelter, but for the talent and skill i had. After many years it had finally sunk in that “it probably pisses God off when you walk past the color purple” (c. color purple) and I’d finally stopped looking at the diversity in my skills and interests as a handicap but rather for what they were: a gift.
The poem was basically a pact I made with The Most High, with myself and with the gifts; It was my way of saying that I would always trust in them and that I understood that as long as I used them, and did for them and celebrated them, i understood that I need not worry. That they and “The Most” would always care for me and provide for me, so long as I was willing to trust in the unseen and know that the powers were ALWAYS working for me. This poem was the reminder for myself that my primary responsibility was to remain true to those gifts, do my part, be proactive and remember that nothing ever worked out when I tried to veer off and do otherwise or god forbid, ignore the gifts (I’d already had my ass kicked by that one too many times). I was committing myself to what that meant and everything that may come with that. Needless to say after a move or two the poem was out of sight and eventually I just forgot about it. Earlier this year I found it again. When I found it I was in a very different place that when I’d written it initially. I always go through this love/hate thing with the work. Sometimes there is nothing greater you could ever conceive of doing. Other times it feels like there could be no greater burden than the fire inside that is ever-insisting that you do something different: Different than what your family wants for you, or different from what society makes easy for you. Me and the art found ourselves at odds again, but excited to have found the long-lost poem, I re-read it:
The Pledge
Today I make a pledge to the Creator, to the Universe…
To be grateful for all gifts given, both discovered and not.
Learn from all lessons taught.
Walk through all doors opened.
All praises due.
The joy I feel is unexplainable from these gifts I was given from you. -holly-kai 2000
Once again….ENTER THE VOICE . Somehow it always comes back to… The Voice: “Girl! Here’s your answer right here! You wanna know why things aren’t going the way you think they should be, YOU made a pledge, a committment and YOU have not been holding up your end of the deal! Look at you. You know better, how did you get here?! –If there’s one thing you know it’s the power of words. You know you can’t just go around putting declarations and pledges into the world and think that you will not be held accountable for them!” And as always, the voice was right. In my funk I had not been upholding my end of the pact I made so many years prior. I was not working “in the moment”, or being an instrument of any kind. I was not “making a joyful noise”, I was merely doing what had to be done. …The mechanics if you will. I was giving nothing of myself, my soul, my spirit, but I was expecting everything in return. I wasn’t walking through any doors, instead I was standing by casually, watching them open and close all the while just…allowing myself to feel paralyzed in the quick sand, and thinking about how “exhausting and un-fulfilling” the work was at this point. I WAS completely out of touch with my “super-powers”. It was time to begin the process of re-programming myself. Every morning I read The Pledge before I started working. It was an instant transformation and wake-up call in every way. It helped me regain my focus inside and out, as if someone just removed “the veil”. The work that would follow was a true reflection of the turn around.
The effort to maintain your focus is like riding a bike in the sense that you have to remember to do several things simultaneously in order to keep yourself where you need to be, mentally and emotionally speaking anyway: Surround yourself in positivity, read your books, journal, set goals, follow through, blah blah blaaah…
After all of that, I started thinking about how we could all benefit from a personal mantra that could “come back to save us” when we need it or aid us in staying the course. …A poem, a chant, whatever. …Something we wrote, fashioned for ourselves, tailor-made to keep us focused in the way we know we need or want to be. Not some saying that’s been “prescribed” to us. Being that we all have different vices or patterns we struggle to avoid at various times, I’m curious. What would your pledge be?
It doesn’t have to be long, being that this is Studio5, lets say it’s 5 lines. It can be a poem or not, a mantra…or not, rhyme or not rhyme, to whichever higher power you subscribe to. And be sure to highlight your positives in some way, not an item or objects that you have, something about you that you’re thankful for. Whatever you do, just make it about you! Because this is about you, just like it always is.
…THIS is a post for you.
-Thinkin you’re fly from Studio5! What can I say, except Have you acknowledged your superpowers today???!
h. to tha kai.
